Top 8 Mustached Men

Top 8... 
Mustached Men
by Marco Coletta, December 31, 2012

The humble mustache, sign of adulthood for boys the world over. 

During the 1970’s and early 80’s a symbol of male sexuality (along with yeti levels of body hair), thanks to the likes of Ron Jeremy. Today the mustache holds a much more noble position on the upper lips of men. Every November, or Movember as some call it, men display their stach to draw attention and donations for prostate cancer and other men’s health issues.

So in honor of Movenber (in December) we count down the top 8 mustaches man –as decided by us.

As a free bonus for this Top 8 we're also gauging the overall power of the mustaches being presented. 

8. Alex Trebek 

This legendary quiz show host and answer asking god sported TV’s most recognizable stash for over 30 years before shaving it off in 2001. Why after 30 years shave the quizzing world most popular stach? Apparently to boost ratings, get some cheap laughs and to un-nerve new contestants.

In fact, the very night he shaved, a ten second teaser showing Mr. Terbek removing the lip hair was shown, as shocked makeup artist watched in horror.

Mr. Trebek mustache while long lived was not overly notable by itself, which fits a fellow Canadain just right. Well kept, under stated yet proud, proper and dignified. If that doesn’t describe Canada I don’t know what does.

However Mr. Trebek starts the list, thanks to his lip hare being only a memory from the 80’s and 90’s.

Mustache Power 2/10 

7. Yosemite Sam

There ain’t no fuller, manlier, larger and more intimidating fictional mustache, then our number seven entry. Warner bros. own Rootin’ Toonin’ popgun shooting, rabbit hating, bank robbing Texan, Yosemite Sam. The only cartoon character with more hair is Gossamer and he’s off the list because he’s made entirely of hair and can’t have a mustache.

Sam’s stash is so epic is hangs down to his knees like two red tentacles which curl and animate based on the mood of the firecracker cowboy. The down side of such amazing facial hair is it becomes a prime target for gal darn rabbits to light on fire or pull.

This iconic crazed cowboy would be higher if he was real, but then again if he were real he would have tripped on his mustache and broke his neck long ago.

Mustache Power 4/10

6. Billy Dee Williams 

The coolest cat this side of Bespin, Billy Dee Williams aka. Lando Calrissian is the slickest and mellowest man in a galaxy far, far away. While Mr. Williams and his mustache have on grown cooler with age, it’s the presence of his stach in the original Star War trilogy that gives him a place on this list.

Along with being one of only two black men in the Star Wars universe, Lando (Williams) was only one of less then a dozen people in Star War to have facial hair, Obi Wan being another. And while Obi Wan beard gave off an aura of wisdom, Lando Mustache, along with the smile it hung on, was strong in the force. Fooling old friends, a deadly Sith lords and I’m sure it even helped to take down the second Death Star –it was that cool!

The only down side of his stach being an inability to fool Leia and failure to impress Chewie, forcing Lando to have fish guy as his co-pilot at Endor.

Mustache Power 6/10  

5. Ron Burgundy 

Our second and a half fictional character on the list is the great Ronald Joseph Aaron Burgundy or just Ron Burgundy, as played by the equally great Will Ferrell. Like his mustache, Ron Burgundy is many things; manly, confident, brave, ignorant, egotistical, misogynistic and narcissistic, all while being well dressed.

On the whole a mustache isn’t all these things at once but it has taken on those impressions at different times. While no one will argue that the movie was more about the man, there was a definite mustache based sub plot.

Starting with Ron’s sex appeal and manliness, show off by his stunning stach as it enthralls the opposite sex and inspires the men around him. When Ron’s at his lowest the mustache make him look even lower and more pathetic with a haggard beard. And finally Ron’s ignorance and stupidity is both accepted and made worse by the mustache, as exemplified his understand of Diversity, which he thinks is a civil war ear warship.

Mustache Power 8/10

4. Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens) 

Journalist, social commenter, writer and satirist Samuel Clemens, better known by his pen name Mark Twain is celebrated as the father of American literature. However he also displayed a bushy mustachio which he promoted with trade mark humor, saying of man and beards:

“What is his bread for? It performs no useful function; it is a nuisance and a discomfort; all nations hate it; all nations persecute it with the razor. And because it is a nuisance and a discomfort, Nature never allows the supply of it to fall short…”

Clemens’ life like his mustache was anything but ordinary; the man was born and died under Halley’s Comet. In that time he wrote some of the most beloved stories and voiced his opinion to skewer anti-abolitionists and racists of all stripes. From behind his mustache he dared to speak against conventional wisdom, extoling the virtues of science and liberty.

Mustache Power 5/10

3. Charlie Chaplain

One of the greatest entertainers and one of the most famous people of the 20th century, Charlie Chaplain was the first international star. His most noted character, the tramp, is still one of the most iconic characters of cinema. Not only was Chaplain a masterful actor and funny man, he is noted as one of cinemas first true artists, influencing the young medium's first four decades.

It’s an interesting fact that that his iconic toothbrush mustache might never have been, growing it only after he decided to create the Tramp. Anyone who has seen an Charlie Chaplain film will tell you that the mustache is as much a character as the tramp himself, every tweak and movement adding to the humor his movies.

So iconic is the mustache the many a comedian have warn a similar one during an act. A popular, yet false urban legend states German dictator Adolph Hitler sported similar facial hair out of fandom for the actor. While it is true Hitler was a fan, Chaplain despised the man and made it quite clear in his 1940 feature The Great Dictator, which basically gave a big middle finger to the goose stepping putz, his pasta munching jester and fascism in general.

Sadly once his career had ended Charlie Champlain shaved his mustache, presumably to make a life for himself without the constant fame a mustache brings.

Mustache Power 7/10 

2. Albert Einstein 

If mustaches are any measure then Albert Einstein was the smartest human ever. Spending much of this life trying to understand the universe around us, giving us E=MC2 as well general and special relativity and more ominously helped in the creation of the Atomic Bomb.

As befitting a wise man, he grew a prodigious and majestic mustache, which alone with unkempt hair and refusal to ever wear socks made him stand out. Now there’s no proof but it’s entirely possible his mustache somehow tapped into the universe helping him to understand it. Either way aside from being a genius in the sciencing department, Einstein is endlessly quotable on almost all subjects –including mustaches.

 (Misogyny warning kids, this one’s rated PG-13)

“Since 99.362% of woman love mustache rides, it seems only a fool would have a bare upper lip.”

…Listen I’ll be the first one to say I’m shocked, Einstein is the last person I would have guessed to have a Mustache ride quote, but there it is.

Who knew the smartest man ever was a bigger horn dog then Hugh Hefner, but it’s true. He had two wives, which he cheated on many… many times, sometimes with their own sisters, for which his excuse was “You can’t blame me; we were young and she was willing”. 

Not only that Einstein would send letters home to his wife and children detailing his conquests. What’s more the man practically invented sexting, having his stepdaughter run love letters back and forth!

Ohh ya he was also asked to be president of Israel too but he turned it down, tiered form all the sex I guess. (apparently science is a turn on.)

Mustache Power 9/10 

1. Mario

Finally we come to the most well know mustache the world over. So powerful is this man, and his mustache, that he revolutionized entertainment, save an entire medium and industry and birthed a muti-billion dollar franchise spanning over 200 entries.

That’s right, Mario or Super Mario as he’s known to the world, started out as a humble carpenter from the Bronx. Until one day he thrust into greatness when a Giant Ape kidnapped his girlfriend Pauline. With only his mustache and knowledge of pipes he took on Donkey Kong -distant relation to King Kong who made a name for himself in New York in the 1930’s-.

After that adventure it wasn't long before a mushroomed kingdom was in need of a mustached hero to save them from the evil King Koopa! Being the only things in the mushroom Kingdom with facial hair at the time, Mario and his brother Luigi overcame all manner or turtles, walking mushrooms and living artillery shells to save Princess Peach. 

Saving an entire kingdom and industry had made Mario the most well-known mustached man in history and he’s never stopped saving the princess and maybe the game’s industry. Now a star of the big and small screen the Mario franchise and all of its spinoffs, side stories and offshoots are a cultural icon unmatched.

For these reasons Mario takes the number 1 spot, without him and his modest mustache who knows if this site would even exist.

Mustache power 10/10